fear

"...today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. 4 For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Deuteronomy 20:3-4

Fear is something we all struggle with. Fear comes in many different forms. A fear of having children in this day and age, of losing a job, of failure, of losing the ones you love, of dying... these are only a few of the many many types of fear. Lately we've been battling a lot of our fears, some of them on a daily basis.

Last week during my quiet time I came across the verse above in Deuteronomy. The verse leaped off the page at me and has been stuck in my mind. I liked it so much I wrote it down on an index card and taped it to the front door so we can see it before we head out each day... a little reminder that God is going with us into battle that day and that he is fighting with us and for us. I've also memorized it and hope to revive it from my memory any time I am fearful.

This morning as I was getting ready to go into work it dawned on me that in one week from today I will be having surgery. Up until now I have been fine with it, but fear suddenly crept into my heart and I found myself almost panicked. I started hearing the risks as they flowed through my mind and I thought of the pain. I remembered back to a women's conference in Oct. when the speaker, Tammy Smith, spoke about praying for people who were having surgery. She talked about how when someone goes into surgery and they are sedated, the mind becomes fair game to any and all thoughts or dreams that the Devil can put in our heads. For years now, before I go to sleep I have been praying that God will keep watch over my dreams and my thoughts, that nothing harmful will enter as I'm sleeping. I figure most people are like me, they hate scary dreams. Anyway, as I thought about my surgery and the fact that I will be under sedation I knew I should start praying for that aspect of it as well.

Thankfully God relieved my fear for the morning as I rushed off to work, but when I got home this afternoon and started to relax the fears crept in again. I could hear my boss (in WV) telling me about how he had a procedure done once and he was temporarily paralyzed... I have that risk as well as the risk that it could be permanent! That scares me. I don't want to seem vain, but who really wants to have half their face paralyzed? I also thought about the fact that I could actually die during this surgery. Stranger things have happened. When I'm telling someone about what will happen I've been throwing in the fact that IF something were to happen, at least I'll be in the hospital... thats where WVU's dental school is. But I can't help but think of the what ifs. I definitely don't want to die. I'm not afraid of death, but there are so many things left that I want to do.

Fear is a scary thing (bad wording I know). Its like worry, if we left it take root in our lives it can destroy us. Not too long ago, we had to share what we thought our spouse's greatest character trait was. Nathan gave me the biggest compliment when he said I had more faith and hope than any one else he had ever met. I'm banking on my faith to get me through this.

I'll be sure to let you know how we're doing as the time gets closer. And if we don't post again until after Thursday:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!